#14-1: update, revisited already

I have one last thing to say before I finish up for the night. My latest and final project and concept for this blog has just been realized. From now on it will be called the journey and like I said in the last post through my writing and art and anything else I lay before you, we are all gonna walk together on the hectic and confusing road of life and you’re gonna be able to experience what it is like in my world through the blog. It sounds kind of stupid but maybe with my first post in the morning you will understand and see that it might not be as stupid as you think.

You know who, see the below post for what I told you check out. =]

#14: update

The blog has become kind of chaotic again like my last one and I do not like. I know the title of it is chaotic, unconnected thoughts but I wanted there to be some order to it even with a title like that. I’m gonna work on streamlining everything in the coming days and get everything up to snuff again, at least by my standards. I’m going to continue to post random writings and thoughts because it’s something I need and want to do. I’m trying to become serious about those things in my life, the ones I really want to do but keep slacking off on because my mind is set on thinking I can’t do it. Starting from this moment on I’m telling my mind to shut the fuck up and quit being a roadblock. I’m working on my writing and I’m back to working on my cooking as well. These are things I love to do and want to do as well as I can and I’m gonna give them my full attention now. I’m also working on my art and making it something heartfelt and real and meaningful, all the things it’s been lacking. This sudden burst of passion is thanks to someone who I consider one of my best friends and I’m not sure if he realizes that. No one has been there for me as much as you have over the last few years and I am eternally grateful that you are here and part of my life in some way. Thank you so much for everything that you do for me.

The blog is gonna follow my journey from now until school as I try to tighten things down and get my life back into order. I want to become that person I know I can be and do the things I know I can do if I put my mind to them. Will you come along for the ride..?

mow: are you happy now/#13: the struggle

The looks, the comments, the whispers when they don’t think I’m listening. The hate, the disgust and the contempt at my very presence and sight. They cut me wide open with no feeling of remorse. My heart and mind and soul weep openly. I don’t belong here, I don’t belong anywhere. They have taken everything from me.

I want to hate them and fight them but it’s all closing in around me, the dark feelings and thoughts. I can’t escape it. The tears fall down my face, a moan of pain escapes my lips. All the fight in me is gone. There’s no struggle, no fighting anymore. There’s nothing left for me. I close my eyes and accept it. Everything goes black and I know it’s done. No more tears. My heart stops, there’s no breath in my lungs. You’ve finally won. Are you happy now..? Was it worth another young life..?

*        *        *

This post is another one that I’ve just written a few moments ago while walking around outside or sitting in the other rooms of my house. It’s to all the bullies and people full of hate in their hearts out there. I’m calling to them all and seeing if it really was worth another life. Was bullying and making fun of someone worth the ultimate price that many kids these days actually go through with..? I don’t think it is. People are dying because someone thinks it’s okay to attack, physically and mentally, people who are different than themselves. I’ve felt this way from people at school and people in my own family and have thought about ending it all because the fight was just too much. It’s hurts and just eats away at you until you really are nothing but an empty shell. I wised up and realized that there really was something worth fighting for and not just giving up when the going got rough. I want everyone out there to read this and know that I’m telling you to not give up, no matter how bleak things may seem. There always is hope and always a reason to keep going. Don’t give up and hold strong.

#12: inspiration

Today’s post is not gonna be much better then yesterdays. It’s getting hard to write these days thanks to certain problems and above all else just the issue of time. I quickly wanted to tell you all a few things and then try and get back tonight and write some more mows and hopefully my first spotlight (hint hint). Anyways I titled today’s post inspiration because while just doing random stuff around the house today, mainly playing games with my boyfriend, I got suddenly inspired to try and do something I haven’t done in years: write a fantasy epic story. I was brainstorming while playing a few games and I’m gonna start working on my latest story sometime tonight or tomorrow. Now don’t think that the untitled work in progress is done for, I’ll still be working on it as well and this is usually how my brain works. During the writing of each I’ll be hopping back and forth and posting things that I come up with on the blog as I write them.  To get an idea of what I’m gonna be writing for my fantasy piece, it’s gonna either be a story based in the worlds of one of the Fire Emblem games or of Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced. Thanks to my boyfriend I was inspired this afternoon to do something like this, so we will see what comes of it. Any thoughts, comments or ideas, you know what to do.

#11: books, storms & fights

I almost was gonna skip posting something today because I just haven’t been feeling much like writing these days. Everywhere there is drama and fights going on around me it seems like. My own thoughts tear me up and then the drama makes me feel even worse on top of that all. Sometimes I wonder why people can’t just shut their mouths and stop while they are ahead. Recently I’ve been standing up to my dad. He always comes homes, half plastered or on his way there, and yells at me to do this or that and says I don’t ever do enough to help out with the family. So instead of letting him walk all over me I’ve been forcing him to actually ask me to do something and not just command. Basically I’ve been forcing him to treat my like a human and his son instead of a slave labor kid that just happens to be living with him. So that’s been causing a lot of problems and random fights among everyone in the house here.

Also currently it is storming outside my window and I love it. The rain always makes me feel good, it’s like all the bad things and drama are being washed away just like the dirt and messes outside. The thunder and lightning is also kind of symbolic of all the turmoil in our personal lives and the world at large.

Finally for today, I wanted to post a list of books that I would be discussing in the coming weeks once I continue my movie posts sometime tomorrow. The books I will be talking about are; Almost Like Being in Love by Steve Kluger, Thinking Straight by Robin Reardon and Clay’s Way by Blair Mastbaum. Until then check out these books if you’d like and I’ll be hitting on them later on this week or next week.

#10: one week

Well today is the one week mark for the new blog. Thanks for reading and sticking with me through this trial period. What does everyone think of the blog..?

I’m enjoying writing on this more then my previous one and I just wanted to get some feedback today. I’ll write some more tomorrow and continue with my character studies that I’ve been doing. I’m gonna be branching out into books soon because there is a lot I have to say about them too. If any of you have any suggestions for posts you’d like to see or thoughts you have that may interests me or the other readers leave a comment below and I’ll see what I can do.

#9: a character study, part 2

I spent last night watching movies again and another one this morning as well so I have quite a few more movies and characters to talk about. Rock Haven, Nico & Dani & Arizona Sky were the movies of choice last night and unlike the night before I had not seen any of them previously. Two of them were complete busts and I could barely make it through them while one stood out as being another gem like Shelter. I’m gonna hold you in suspense on these three films until I finish up yesterday’s post.

#2: Trick

Trick is the story of a shy, loserish musical theatre composer named Gabriel who goes out to a club and picks up a gogo boy, Mark, on the subway ride home. The story follows the duo as they spend all night trying to find a place to be alone and have a one night stand, and dealing with all the drama along the way. Now you know how I am about stereotypes about gays being all about drinking and clubbing and sex, but the movie does a wonderful job of turning the stereotype around by the end of the movie when you find out that the whole time it really wasn’t about having sex , it was about being with each other and getting to know each other better.

The character I want to focus on is Mark the gogo boy, played by John Paul Pitoc. Now when you think about gogo boys, you would expect them to be the party boy and drugged out twink (excuse my language). Pitoc manages to play the role in a way that shows him to be a not only the dancer and club goer, but someone who actually cares about more then having sex or getting picked up. Throughout the movie his character develops from random hookup gogo boy to guy just looking for love and a relationship. You feel for him on his journey with Gabriel and are surprised at the ending how much he has changed in you eyes.

Anyway Trick is an older movie, from 1999, but I recommend it for anyone whose looking for a few laughs (sometimes dated) and some crazy eccentric characters along the way. Also if you’re a fan of Tori Spelling check this movie out.

#3: Arizona Sky & Rock Haven

I want to get these two movies out of the way real quick because there is really not much that can be said about them. I know that sometimes when it comes to gay films, the only way they can go is low budget and poor acting choices and these two movies are prime examples of this. The main characters don’t feel like people at all, their dialogue is forced and the “love” that develops doesn’t feel real and lacks all emotion.

Arizona Sky is the story of two best friends who fell in love as kids but went their separate ways and grew up. One day one of the boys realize he still thinks about the other and returns to their home town to find him and see if he remembers. The only saving grace of this movie was the awkward teenage boys cast as the young version of the two leads in the beginning of the movie, Blaise Embry and Kyle Buckland. Even through the terrible dialogue the actors seem to have that real connection of young love and make it somewhat believable. Also the talk they have about what they are doing and being discovered in a small town  was very well done. After the beginning 10 minutes or so everything goes down hill and the movie becomes hard to watch and loses all of its few charms.

Rock Haven is the story of  Brady, a young overly christian boy who moves to California and meets the Clifford a gay boy who feels the connection between the two and slowly tries to make a move on Brady and get him to understand that it’s alright to feel the way he does. Brady felt like a spastic freak and Clifford came off as a creep trying to seduce him and I felt nothing for either character. Only one character actually held my attention and only purely for her oddness. Clifford’s mom Angie, played by Katheryn Hecht, was the odd hippie understanding mom that we all sometimes wish we would have. She is the only character that I liked and pretty much the only reason I stuck with the movie hoping that I could catch another of a few scenes she was in. Also it was interesting to see an accepting mother character because all too often there is no such thing in gay cinema and it was refreshing to have the change of pace.

#4: Beautiful Thing

That’s all for today but I will start tomorrow on Beautiful Thing and maybe have some more movies watched by tonight for you to read about in the morning.

#8: a character study

This post has gone through so many drafts so far. I can’t figure out exactly how I want to say the things I want to say. Last night I reacquainted myself with gay cinema by having a movie night and watching several gay films including; Yossi & Jagger, Shelter, Beautiful Thing and Trick. My ultimate goal was to sit down after watching them and write down my thoughts on the various characters that make appearances in the films and kind of rate them on scale of how real they feel or how much I can connect with them. Needless to say each attempt at doing so got worse and worse and turned me off to the topic.

I’m sitting back down now and trying once and for all to do this post so I don’t get myself out of the habit of doing a daily post like I promised, so here goes attempt #5.

#1: Shelter

The first movie I watched last night was Shelter. It was my first time seeing this film and I instantly fell in love with it and it’s quickly rose to be one of my all time favorites. The story was unique and reminded me of one of my favorite books, Clay’s Way, in some ways. I’ve read quite a few lgbt novels (look for a post in near future on that) and know from personal experience that it is very easy to repeat the same kind of coming of age tale in the gay films and novels without bringing anything new to it, or updating it for a new generation of gay youth. Shelter‘s story comes off as your typical coming of age tale of discovery but instantly turns that around into a completely new and inventive way of telling this story. I loved the characters so much, especially Zach and Cody.

Zach, played by Trevor Wright,  is the main “hero” of the story and is struggling with juggling his dreams, his true feelings, his social reputation and taking care of his not-so-typical family. As Zach comes to terms with himself and who he really is, you really feel for his character and believe that what he is going through could happen to anyone. All too often in gay films all they talk about is drugs, partying and anonymous sex but Shelter never really touches on those subjects and gives us two gay characters that do not further the negative stereotypes that the media gives enough as it is.

Another unique point of Shelter is the character Cody, played by Jackson Wurth. Cody is Zach’s nephew but he acts more like a father to him thanks to his sister not being the most morally pure person (read as: whore) that she can be. Cody sees first hand the love that is blossoming between Zach and Shaun but never thinks of it as anything wrong. The sister character doesn’t want Cody to see this kind of relationship but in the end learns to accept her brother for what he is and leave her child in the care of the couple. I loved Cody so much because it brought you back to innocence of youth where you didn’t hear things like gay or fag and you liked people regardless of anything cause you didn’t know any better. It made me wish I could have that kind of mentality at an older age so people wouldn’t be so harsh and judgemental of each other. Things would be a lot better off in the world or something like that could happen you know..?

That’s all about Shelter for now, I highly recommend this movie to anyone looking for a feel good, realistic gay drama.

#2: Trick

I think I talked too much about Shelter and this now has become a series of posts. Look for part 2 in the near future, hopefully by tomorrow.

#7: a different kind of dream

I wanted to talk about dreams today, but a different kind of dreams then what I talked about yesterday. When I shut my eyes at night I feel like I’m transported to another world entirely. Anything can happen there, I can be whoever or whatever I want or go anywhere that my imagination can take me and no one can tell me it’s right or wrong. That’s how dreams should be but recently it seems like someone is invading my dreams at night and twisting them to their own needs. I don’t sleep much anymore to begin with but when I do finally get a chance to get some my mind goes into overdrive and whips out some of the most crazy and disturbing images it can muster.

I’ve told friends, family and my significant other about some of these dreams and many of their reactions included things like “you’re crazy” or “you need help seriously” or my personal favorite “what the fuck is wrong with you?” People say that your dreams can say something about you or what you are feeling and all that good stuff. Sometimes I believe that but when I think of some of these dreams that I have had recently I can’t place what they actually would mean. Do you all out there believe that dreams mean something..?

#6: assorted goods

I wasn’t sure if I was gonna type up a daily thought today since I posted 2 yesterday but I guess to keep up with what I said in the beginning I should type up something at least. I really don’t have one cohesive thought right now to type up a long in depth post about it, I just have a few random small thoughts.

#1:

Hope you all got a chance to check out metaphor below because I’m trying to work more on my own “literary works” because secretly deep down inside since I was kid I either wanted to be a singer, not gonna happen, or a writer. I wish I would have thought of these old dreams from back in the day when I decided about college and majors cause maybe I would have been more happy with what I decided on.

#2:

As I was writing the above thought I came with another idea for something to talk about real quick. Like I said as I grew older I slowly drifted away from the dreams I had as I kid. I had hopes of one day being on the stage with a microphone in hand and quickly I learned that I wasn’t a very good singer. My other dream was being a writer. I tried writing my first great novel, a World War 2 thriller that I spent weeks researching. Needless to say that didn’t turn out to well. I realized that my writing skills weren’t quite fine tuned enough for such an endeavor. Since then I wrote what I needed to for school and wrote here and there things on my own time. I’ve tried writing short stories, a play or two and a few poems and random little snippets. Nothing ever got completed because I keep getting discouraged and feel like I can’t do what I really want.

Recently I’ve been trying to get back into writing. Last summer I started my first blog hoping to use it as an outlet for my writing and emotions. I wrote all different kinds of things from reviews of books, political opinion pieces, emotional rants and anything you could think of. Then I started this blog and now I finely feel like I’m kind of getting into a groove. My writing is out there now for people to see and read and I feel like I’m getting to live out that dream in a way.

Sorry for that little sidetrack there but the main point of this all is to poise this question. When is it time to give up on your dreams you had as a kid, if there even is a time to do so..? I know that as a kid we dream of being all these different people and then when we become an adult we have to dream in reality. You have to worry about getting enough money to pay your bills and you have to sacrifice the things you really care about sometime. I’m into my third year of college as a dual major in business management and industrial relations & human resources and a minor in political science and now all I want to do is hold onto my childhood dreams. Is it stupid of me to do so..? Should I become an adult or keep pursuing my dreams either full time or on the side..?

Any thoughts or comments leave below. Turns out I guess I really could think about something to write about when it came down to it.